Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sad

This is my journal, a way to document our journey. That means even the sad times.
This isn't a magazine it is ME....US.
I've attempted to write this post many times,
not for you but for me.
I'm hoping that it could help with the healing process.
Right now my heart is hurting, my eyes are filled with tears, my mind is filled with thoughts of what ifs, if only, I should have done this, or said this....Oh how I wish I can turn back time.

You see my grandma is very ill and she soon will be with the Lord.
I know that when she is with Him she will feel no pain and be happy in the presence
of our Lord and Savior.
She has been sick for a several months and I have got to tell you it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Not just for me but for the whole family!
The grieving/healing process is a long one and everyone handles it differently.
Some feel mad, sad, depressed, confused and angry.
At different times or all at once.
Asking why? Why did this happen? Playing back the situation in our minds to see if we could of changed the situation at hand. If we only did this? Or perhaps caught it earlier. Just maybe.
I have.
I wish I would've visited her more often.
Honestly I have seen her more now that she is sick than I did when she was well. This truth I write has been eating at me.
It hurts!
I feel like I failed!
Every year I told myself that I would visit more but life always got busy and I never made a big effort.
Sure I saw them on holidays, their birthdays and some special occasions.
But I should have seen them more.
So while I was crying I started to think of how I wished I did this or that.
My husband grabbed my hand and said you are here for her now, go visit her.
He is right, she is still with us.
So that is what I've been doing.
I go see her and sometimes she's asleep but I sit and hold her hand.
I tell her I love her and sometimes we chat a little about what the kids are doing.
And other times I am just there to listen to her.
I will cherish these moments I have with her and keep them in my heart forever.





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